17 & a miscarriage

Oddly enough we found out I was pregnant on Wills birthday. I remember like it was yesterday. It was his 18th birthday, I was 17. I actually took the test the day before I was supposed to start my period. Something just felt “off” I felt “different.” I can’t explain it. So I told him I thought we should get a test, & we did. He was supportive and actually very calm. I set the test on his dresser and sat on the bed for the longest 2 minutes ever. And when those 2 minutes were up I got up to check the pregnancy test, & it was indeed positive. I told him, & I’m not sure if he was more shocked or just focused on keeping me calm. I jumped in bed & cried and cried, thinking, how am I going to tell my parents. All while he was trying to calm me down and tell me everything was going to be okay. The next day, I of course didn’t start my period. ( I’ve always had a regular cycle.) I went to my first doctors appointment that next week, the soonest I could get in. It was a new OB I have never been to before. I remember making his sister and my mom come with me, they did an exam & pap-smear told me I was pregnant gave me a little packet for new moms and sent me on my way. No ultrasound, no blood work, nothing. I was too early on to do an ultrasound they said.
So now we all knew I was for sure pregnant. Yes, I know we took a test and I missed my period but theres just something comforting about getting a doctors approval. I went home and told Wills mom, Will, I think my dad. Everyone knew at this point.

When I got pregnant I lived with my dad, & he wouldn’t allow Will to live with us, because he doesn’t believe in living together before you’re married, plus we were so young. So I ended up moving in with Will and his family. Let me note that even though I moved into Wills house I still struggled with agoraphobia. My mom drove me to my OB appointment because I couldn’t drive.

I remember Will being so happy, he was planning so ahead and just overjoyed. His whole family was.

4 weeks later, my next check up came around. Earlier that day I began spotting brown, not red or anything alarming. ( this can actually be extremely normal while pregnant.) So at my second OB appointment I asked the doctor about it & of course he said that’s normal unless you begin experiencing cramping & bright red bleeding. The doctor said everything looked fine, I got my first ultrasound at this appointment but still no blood work. Excited/terrified/happy. You name the emotion we were all probably feeling it. Hearing your first child’s heart beat is like nothing I can put into words. We had those ultrasound pictures posted everywhere.

That after noon after I got my first ultrasound when everyone was going to bed, I began feeling period like cramps. I told Will, but we were hoping it was just a pregnancy symptom. Will went to bed, he had to get up for work at 4 am. So I stayed up a little later. Around midnight I noticed some red bleeding, & I began getting worse cramp like symptoms in my lower back and stomach. I woke Will up to tell him what was going on and we both decided to wait a little longer. I set an alarm for 3 am to check myself. ( I knew he had to wake up soon so I tried to let him sleep as long as I could.)

At 3 am, my life flipped upside down in a matter of seconds. My 3 am alarm went of, I went to the bathroom. I was wearing LSU sleeping pants & one of Wills shirts. I pulled my pants down and excuse my language but I had more blood than I was ready for. I was so focused on cleaning myself up that I didn’t even realize the most important thing. I got done cleaning myself up when I went to pull my pants up & that’s when I saw it. My baby was in my pants, in its amniotic sac, in the fetal position. With black dots for its eyes, arms and legs. I hollered for Will. He came in the bathroom and I showed him what was in my pants. I think he was in denial because he just kept telling me no that’s not it.. that’s not it. I could barely stand I was so weak. We went to bed and he started rubbing my back and got me a heating pad…

By this time his dad had came in the room to get Will ready for work and noticed we were up and I was crying. He asked if everything was okay and I asked for him to go get Mrs. Sharon. She came in and I told her what was going on, I left my baby in my pants on the floor in the bathroom and asked her to go look and see what she thought it was… she agreed with me. This was probably one of the hardest days of my life.. the same day I heard my baby’s heart beat it was taken from me that night. Will was so happy, he would go around bumps in the road and do silly little things like that, he’d talk about the future and names so early on.. this baby is truly our angel.

The amount of love his family, our families and especially he and I had for this baby is indescribable.

We will all forever have an angel baby looking down on us, and I am forever thankful. I think about it everyday & say a prayer to my angel every night.

Till next time

Still I Rise,

Kirsten

 

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