February 4th 2011

His parents & siblings went out to eat for some Chinese food while I decided to stay home with Will. After his family left he told me to get someone to come get me. I didn’t have a phone at the time, so I asked to use his. He was persistent and wouldn’t let me use it. At the time, he had a blackberry so he took the battery out of the back of the phone and threw it in his room (which now looked like a tornado ran through) and told me if I could find the battery I could use his phone to get a ride. What do I do? I go look for the phone battery.I found it, But then he couldn’t find his phone, because he “misplaced” it. So, for some random reason I remembered they had a home phone they never really used it but it was there and working. So I went and grabbed the house phone but by the time that I hit the on button, there was a busy tone. They only had one house phone. The phone had been unplugged. I was so confused. If he wanted me to leave, and I was trying to defuse the situation by leaving why wouldn’t he let me call someone?  That’s what was going through my mind at the time anyways… It was a cold rainy night, the rain felt like hail it was so cold out. Hell, maybe it did hail that night I don’t remember. I just remember it being mid 30’s dropping by the hour. I say this because somehow our argument led outside. Let me remind you we had been arguing since 4pm. I was wearing 2 pairs of sleeping pants & 2 large sweatshirts and a pair of boots. I remember exactly what I had on. I sat on his front porch while he was walking around yelling things to me by his driveway/ shed behind his front porch. After a while of arguing with someone for so long over something that you both know isn’t true you kind of start to tune that person out. It gets exhausting. You get tired. You run out of things to say. 
  I remember hearing a loud noise and saying “what was that?” & Will yelled ” one of the horses.” So I thought nothing of the noise.. by his shed they have an open barn. With a boat and animals, that type of thing. So I stayed sitting on the porch. Letting him yell at me, getting his anger out. When for some reason I hear clearly what he says. Before this statement, I heard what he was saying I just wasn’t paying any attention to it any longer.. I hear him say ” I guess you’re not gonna come watch this.” 
LET ME NOTE.  That nothing in my life, nothing before this instance has or would have put any thought of this kind in my mind. Ever. 

But for some reason (God) my first thought to myself was he better to be hurting himself. & then I said it out loud. ” you better not be hurting yourself Will or doing anything stupid.” There was silence. I mean, not a peep.  So I got up & walked around the corner of his front porch. From where Will was, it looked like he was leaning on his elbow/arm facing away from me. As I was walking closer towards him I was steadily yelling ” come watch what, what are you talking about? WILL, I know you hear me. WILL!!” I finally reached him, thinking he was just purposely ignoring me I walked up behind him and nudged his arm & said something like “hello I know you hear me talking to you! Why are you ignoring me!?” 

I’m going to stop this blog right here. Some people are dying to know what I’m getting at, but as much as I want to share what I’ve been through it’s still difficult to relive. I’m going at my own pace and trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings in the process of sharing my story because it involves others as well & it’s not just my story, it’s Wills story too. 

Still I Rise, 



One thought on “February 4th 2011

  1. benttobroken says:

    I’m so so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine all you have gone through and yet u r still standing. U have incredible strength. I enjoy your blogs and Instagram posts as it makes me feel not alone. My prayers to you.


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