Suicide

When I nudged his arm. I noticed. I realized why it was dead silent. He wasn’t ignoring me. He was hanging right before my eyes. The person I loved and was in a relationship with, my world was right there in front of me, lifeless. I looked down at his feet to see if he had any balance or any pressure on the ground, he didn’t. I remember trying to lift his body up onto the boat to relieve the rope from his neck. I remember trying to lift his head from off the rope to relieve the tension. I checked his pulse but I couldn’t feel anything but one or two beats when I first found him, I checked for breathing but there was none. I was officially in a traumatic state of mind. Obviously not thinking clearly. He was 180-200 pounds of dead weight. There was no way I was going to be able to lift him. (Trust me I tried.). I remember when I noticed he was hanging, I saw the rope, so thick, i could barely see the rope on his neck it was so tight… I was terrified. Terrified isn’t the word, there isn’t a word for what I felt… As I mentioned it was freezing that night. I ran in his house, took off my sweatshirts. I was sweating. In my bra, I remember panicking in his kitchen. My heart, my mind, my hands, shaking, & racing. I went in the kitchen drawer and grabbed a butter knife and a butchers knife. ( yes, I grabbed a butter knife. My mind was legitimately in a traumatic state.) I ran back to him, starting with the butter knife, sawing at the rope. It didn’t take me long to realize that wasn’t doing shit. I took the butchers knife and hit the rope full swing. It cut him down. 
I threw the knives on the concrete of the barn. Crying, screaming his name over and over. He laid there, silently, I got nothing. I remember screaming to god, praying over him. I prayed to god until I was blue, I screamed for Will. I was crying as hard as I’ve ever cried in my life. I gave him CPR, the first time I got no response. The second time, it worked!! ( I had never taken a CPR course in my life at that time.) He started coughing & vomiting. I turned him on his side so he didn’t choke on his vomit and get anything stuck in his lungs. I cried more, I remember screaming His name and thanking the lord. I hugged him, I remember kissing his cheek.  Full of vomit and everything. I DID NOT CARE. I remember looking up at god.  Now that I got him down I needed help. He needed help, more help than I could give him. I needed an ambulance, I needed to contact his mom, his family.. 

I ran as fast as I could to his neighbors house, in my bra banging on the front door. I looked insane I’m almost positive. I was out of breath crying telling the woman what happened and that I needed a phone to call his parents and another one to call 911. I remember she gave me a shirt to wear.. I also remember arguing with her because I didn’t want to leave him alone long by himself. So she called 911 and I called his mom.. his mom didn’t answer so I called his sisters phone and she answered. I let them know what happened and 911 & his family was on their way.. 

Still I Rise,

Kirsten 

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