My Toxic relationship

When Will was under the influence, nothing mattered. Especially me, Or his family, anything of importance was nowhere in his thoughts & his actions proved it. 
In my particular situation my toxic relationship was due to drugs and alcohol. I say this because before he used these specific drugs or drank he never disrespected me, talked down on me, ignored me, emotionally abused me or physically put me in harms way. And I still believe sober he’d never do those things to anyone. 

After Will came home from the hospital, I stayed with my mom and went back and forth between his house and my moms. During this time Will began using again and somehow I ended up living back at his house with him. 

This time, his using wasn’t as much of a secret as before. It was all he lived for, or so it seemed like. The only thing he left his house for was to go get mojo, cigarettes or liquor to drink with the mojo or triple C’s. He had 2 friends at this time, Otherwise known as “user friends” he’d go see every now and then. And even that was once a month, maybe. 

I was never invited to hangout with him and his friends, I had to stay at home. Or even better I would bring him thinking I was invited and he’d tell me to wait in the car and that he wouldn’t be long hanging out. Well that would turn into an hour and an hour turned into two.. I would text him and tell him I was ready to go and call. He’d ignore me, of course. But when I wanted to go to my friends, or go out to eat with friends, that was not okay at all. He would say things like “you don’t care about me.” Or “if you go I’m going to hurt myself.” “If you go we’re over.” Just to name a few. 

At this point, I was terrified he would actually try to hurt himself again and I wouldn’t be there to do anything to stop him for one. And for two, he actually made me believe that if I went to see my friends he’d really believe I didn’t care about him or love him. AKA manipulation, AKA toxic relationship. 

I never wanted Will to question my love for him and he knew it. So he used that to his advantage. That’s why he would say “you don’t care about me”. But I did, more than he will ever know. Even while he was on drugs, I wanted to save him. But i couldn’t. 

I could barely go to visit my parents because that was an argument. But I went to his families get togethers, sometimes when he didn’t even go. If I wanted to go do something I was automatically a “slut” and “he made me” ” before him I was nothing”, “nobody wanted shit to do with you before I dated you.” He’d say to me. 

I remember one in particular time, we went to our local town fair and had stopped at McDonald’s. I was dressed up I guess, but nothing over the top. It was a fair for crying out loud. & as I was walking into the McDonald’s to use the restroom Will saw two guys make comments to me or something like that. When I got back to the car, he insisted we go home and his night was ruined. He told me not to wear makeup anymore and not to dress like that again when we went out. (I was in jeans, boots and a shirt) nothing inappropriate. 

I honestly doubt he even remembers half of the things he did during this time his addiction became so bad. 

He was good. Scratch that. He was an amazing manipulator. 

He would literally have a girl text his phone and I would see it & somehow by the end of the argument he’d have me feeling guilty and feeling like it was my fault. I’d end up apologizing, for what I have no clue. But that’s how it went. 

The last year of our relationship, his relationship with mojo became so bad that mojo took over our relationship. And by this I mean….

I was working 2 jobs. I worked one job from 6-12:15 & the second job from 3-10pm. He knew when my pay days were. A few days before my payday, he’d start being sweet and “buttering” me up I guess you could say.. and when my payday came and I would go to his house he would be standing outside waiting for me to pull up for him to immediately get in my car to go to a few towns over for him to buy his mojo. With my money. He didn’t work. He was using my money to support his habit. 

I didn’t even make enough money to support his habit, I was broke from a habit that wasn’t even mine. & yes, I was then becoming an enabler. 

I became an enabler I think because I was scared of him harming himself, taking his life from withdrawing from the shit, and the manipulation he had on me. He knew how to work me, better than anyone I’ve ever met. 

Eventually, I started saying things to him like “can we spend time together before we just go and get this stupid shit.” And “the only times you want me around is when you need or want something from me.” and when I would say that, he would start Saying how much he loved me and I was his world he’ll quit after this time. This was his last time getting it. All of those kinds of things. 

I genuinely loved this person, with all of my heart. My heart broke every time I saw him get high and buy his drug of choice. Hell my heart broke even more when he’d walk past his parents. Because they knew, we all knew. And when his parents would call him out on it, it made him so angry. He didn’t see that they loved him. He didn’t see that anyone loved him. He used to tell me the mojo made him feel normal, triple C’s too. 
I can’t tell you everything a toxic relationship will make you feel and all the signs. But I can tell you that I’ve never felt so ugly and unwanted, so worthless and stupid, such a waste of space in someone’s life, just so little to someone that I loved so much in my life in my personal toxic relationship. I felt so un important and just straight up used. Because I was ultimately used at the end of our relationship. 

I remember he used to tell me I was so boring and no fun because I refused to use with him. I never gave in using with him, not one time. It was almost like he wanted me to use with him so he didn’t feel so alone, and he felt like maybe I was judging him. But I wasn’t judging him, ever. All I ever did was love him the best way I knew how with his addiction taking over. And that’s the thing with addiction, it takes people’s hearts. & breaks the others. The best manipulators just so happen to be addicts. 

I would like to say that since I’ve left Will, he has apologized and confessed with his heart to me that he is sorry and he would never do that again. And so on.. but sometimes the hurt some people do to your heart can never be replaced but at the same time it can’t be fixed or forgotten either. 

Still I rise, 

Kirsten

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4 thoughts on “My Toxic relationship

  1. Anonymous says:

    Although my toxic relationship didn’t involve him using drug. He was addicted to being in control “He would literally have a girl text his phone and I would see it & somehow by the end of the argument he’d have me feeling guilty and feeling like it was my fault. I’d end up apologizing, for what I have no clue. But that’s how it went. ” really hit home. I’m so thankful to God I got out of that relationship and happy you did to.

    Like

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