Manipulation at its finest

Sometimes, quite often, probably most addicts are good manipulators. 

They will do anything to get what they need or want. 

Whether it make you feel like scum of the earth or not, it doesn’t matter to them. 

It’s funny, actually it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking how many women in this world are being manipulated right as I write this. Apologizing for not having enough money to pay for a drug or a pack of cigarettes. Hell im guilty of doing that. 

I’ve been manipulated better than I ever imagined I would be. 

Before my toxic relationship I was anti boyfriend. I didn’t want a boyfriend, I was fine being single, doing my own thing. Hanging out with friends, happier than ever, doing what I wanted with my money, worrying about only myself. You know the things normal teenagers do? 

Until I got into this relationship. 

The manipulation played such a huge part in my relationship that the relationship wasn’t a relationship anymore. It almost became a joke to Will. To see how much he could get out of me. To see how far he could push me, how much money he could get out of me, how long he could stay gone with my car before I went looking for him, how many times he could take my car without me freaking out, it became a sick twisted game. 

I didn’t want to play this game. But I loved this person & I was being manipulated. 

By manipulated I mean, if I didn’t have enough money to buy a lousy bag a mojo he would get so angry and punch things. I was worthless. “Wtf do you work for? Nothing. You don’t have shit.” When actually I did have the money, I just didn’t have the money to afford to blow it on a bag of fucking mojo. 

By manipulated I mean if I tried to leave he would threaten to kill himself again. Do you have any idea what that did to me mentally? At all? After I already saved his life. For the last few months of our relationship I stayed because I was scared. Terrified actually. Not of Will. But that he would actually try to hurt himself again and I wouldn’t be there to try to save him again. Or talk him out of it. Or that I wouldn’t warn his mom in time to keep an eye out on him. 

He knew that was my weak spot and he used it to his advantage, big time. 

I remember specifically a few weeks before I actually left it was my payday & my best friend and I went shopping at JC Penny. I didn’t run to his house with my check. He called me so angry. “Where are you what are you doing. When are you coming here. We need to go.” I told him I was shopping with my friend and I’d come over later when we were done. He was not having it. He threatened to come find us and shoot her in the vagina. And then he turned it around and began threatening to take his own life so that I would get there quicker. (I.e MANIPULATION) to get me to get to his house as soon as I could so he could get what he wanted. 

I ended up having to call the police because I got scared he was going to do something to himself again, and I couldn’t go there because he was threatening to hurt both of us at this point. So I called the cops & told the dispatcher “he’s threatening to shoot us and/or himself. He’s been suicidal before and has a drug problem. DO NOT take him to jail I’m calling to get him help. Take him to a hospital, do not take him to jail.” I remember yelling on the phone to the dispatcher in the middle of Jc penny’s that. Little did I know they’d go out to his house SWAT team style and have guns drawn on him and all this.. then he blamed it all on me. “They almost shot me it’s your fault. I wasn’t really going to shoot anyone or myself.” Who jokes about that after you have already attempted suicide before? Will couldn’t understand and I don’t think he still understands that I called the cops because I was scared. I didn’t want to lose him and I didn’t want anything terrible to happen. After he tried to commit suicide every time he would threaten it to me, I took it serious. It’s a serious thing. 

And the hardest/saddest thing is that I don’t think Will will ever understand how sincerely scared it made me or how much I ever really cared. 

Still I rise, 

Kirsten 

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