PTSD

Now that I’ve told you about my diagnosis & much more, my psychiatric hospital stay/experience I’m going to tell you a little about my particular PTSD. 
most people affiliate PTSD with people in the military, Veterans. People who experience the trauma of war. But this is far from the truth, approximately 8% of Americans will experience PTSD. not all from being exposed to war. 

PTSD is A mental health condition triggered by experiencing or seeing a terrifying event. Hence Will trying to commit suicide me saving his life and having a miscarriage within 2 months of each other. 

A lot of times PTSD symptoms don’t appear until a few months after the traumatic event. I’m not saying always, I’m saying a lot of times. Symptoms on PTSD include experiencing upsetting memories, feeling on edge, or having trouble sleeping after this type of event, nightmares. Some peoples PTSD come later on and some people’s PTSD actually come and go over time. Mine tends to come and go. 

Around January/February every year I get my PTSD bad. I get nightmares of that night that wake me up in full blown panic attacks. These dreams feel un imaginably real. It’s hard for me to sleep at night, I think about that night more during that time of year than any other time. 

PTSD can happen to anyone, and it isn’t a sign or weakness. I used to put down on myself because I felt like I was weak for having it. But my friends and family would always tell me ” you’re not weak at all, you saved a life. There’s nothing weak about you.” They really have helped me cope with and understand this. 

Typically there are 4 symptoms of PTSD & shocker I had all 4 of them. 
1. Reliving the event

2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event

3. Having more negative beliefs and feelings

4. Feeling keyed up

The way I had all 4 of these symptoms was 

1. Reliving the event- My nightmares. When I’d daydream, I would daydream about that night. Into specifics, me cutting him down, everything. 

2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event- for the longest time, about a year and a half I didn’t walk by Wills barn( where he tried to commit suicide) I wouldn’t go outside at dark, & I couldn’t eat anything with red sauce because when I have Will cpr and he started coughing and throwing up I was right above him, so he threw up into my mouth blood and whatever else was coming out. For years I couldn’t eat tomatoes, strawberries, spaghetti, ketchup.. 

3. having more negative beliefs and feelings- I felt guilt for what Will did for years and years. I felt numb for years. 

4. Feeling keyed up- I always felt jittery, like something terrible was going to happen around me. I was always on the look out, I didn’t trust many people and I had trouble concentrating and sleeping. 

Over the years I’ve noticed that my symptoms have lessened. But I still experience them around that time of year. 

It’s a battle I will win and I won’t let it or Will bring me down. 

Still I rise, 

Kirsten 

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