During the time I was dating Will, he became a trigger for me. I’d get anxiety going to his house, I’d get scared sometimes because I never knew what kind of mood he’d be in (from the drugs) I loved him, with everything I had but with everything we’d been through and he had put me through he became a trigger for me. Which is so sad, but so so true.
I’d flinch if he’d move a certain way in the car, little things like that. I became scared, no let me scratch that terrified to make him mad, because once he became mad there was no calming him down. His parents couldn’t calm him down and neither could I. Things like if I didn’t give him the money he wanted or if I didn’t want him driving my car loaded would be just a few to name that would set him
Off. I began having to hide my car keys from Will. Because he began just leaving while I’d be in the shower, taking my wallet and my car going to get his next fix.
When I say loaded, I don’t mean he was just experiencing a small buzz. I mean he had taken 45 tripple C’s, drank liquor and smoked mojo on top of that. Those three things are the perfect mixture for disaster. And many, many times they were. Many times he would see hallucinations, hear things, think the government was out to get him and they were spying on him. To the normal sober person this is weird but to him it was real. But this was real to him. There was no talking him out of it. This was the hardest time during our relationship. He began putting other people’s life in danger and then he turned into a trigger for me. I never knew what he was going to do next, yet I loved him.
One night Will ended up taking my car without me knowing. He found my keys where his mom and I hid them and left while I was in the shower. There was a party that night in our town and he just had. To. Go. Why? I don’t know. So he made it to town and ran out of gas so he called his mom to come put gas in my car and she told him she’d only put gas in my car if he’d come home. I told Mrs. Sharon I’m coming with you because I was just livid. I was going to get my car back. We knew he was loaded, we all did. We get to the gas station and she goes inside to pay for the gas. I went to open my passenger side door and he was actin skittish like he didn’t want me in my own car. So I was just like wtf is wrong with you? I got what I needed and I turned around to put it in his moms truck and by the time I turned around he was flying out the parking lot. I’m not even sure he finished letting the gas pump. By the time we jumped in our vehicle he was long gone. We thought about calling the police etc.
We ended up not(looking back now, stupid move. I’ll say it for you.) but it’s pretty hard to do. This night is probably the one night I definitely should have called the cops on him to protect himself and the people at this party. But we didn’t know what he had in mind or what was going to happen for all we knew he just wanted to go to this particular party to get messed up.
Needless to say, we couldn’t find him to follow him to the party to get my car. So we headed home. It was around 4:30 that morning when Will decided to come home and he ended up getting arrested that night. I wish we would have called the cops on him when he took my car, but everything happens for a reason right?
Not just this instance but numerous others played into the fact that Will, my boyfriend turned into an anxiety attack/panic attack trigger for me. This is a real thing and people can become triggers. It’s extremely sad and can actually put you in a full force mode of depression.
If you or anyone you know suffers from anxiety, panic attacks or depression and have someone that triggers their anxiety that they don’t feel safe around. Please know it’s normal, it can happen and they are not alone. You have to make a change. And an addict won’t be the one to do it.
Still I rise,