Leaving a toxic relationship 

I got out of my specific relationship the only way I knew how at the time. I mean I literally was losing my mind trying to keep up with someone else’s addiction, someone else’s anger, someone else’s secrets, & I had enough watching him break his families hearts. They are amazing people and they will forever hold a place in my heart. But I was losing sight of my health, my sanity, I was living broke because I couldn’t afford someone else’s habits. The verbal and mental abuse just about wore me down to the ground. I didn’t care what I looked like because he got it into my head how ugly I was and what not. When I had that panic attack and brought myself to the hospital and went away for a week I decided that if I truly wanted to get better I needed to distance myself from him. Now, because I did this doesn’t mean I loved him any less, I was just trying to do what was best for me. 

I got released diagnosed with PTSD, agoraphobia & panic disorder. This was an eye opener. I had PTSD from some things I experienced from him. PTSD is nothing to play with & it’s miserable, I’ll tell you that. 

This wasn’t the right way to end a 5 year relationship but there was no ” calmly ending it” or mutually ending it. Every time I tried ending it previously it got uglier and uglier. People have breaking points and I was at mine. If I tried walking away he’d threaten to kill himself, so I’d stay. there is nothing healthy about that statement I just made. At all. And if you’re going through this please email me. I’ve been through that type of manipulation.. 

So, I got out of the hospital and I told him where I had been, after he freaked out on me. And he didn’t believe me. I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore, blah blah and changed my number. I had brief conversation with him after that and he did apologize to me for all he put me through but I kind of wanted him to apologize to his family more. Not me. I knew I was going to be fine, and I’d make it. I came to the realization I didn’t need anything from him, but his parents. They deserved an apology. 100% they had holes all around their home from him being belligerent. I could go on and on.. 

I think his apology at that time was to get me back to get me back where he wanted me. But I refused. I literally lost myself. I had no clue who I was anymore and I’m not exaggerating. There was half of me who felt taken advantage of for being a nice person and loving with all my heart and another part who was so, so angry with myself because I wasn’t raised to be treated that way. And my dad set a great example for me growing up. 

I don’t think Will is a terrible person, I’m not saying that. But drugs and liquor make him an angry scary person. As I’m sure it does a lot of people. 

I felt bad for the way I ended that specific relationship but I didn’t quite have a choice. Will and I went through a lot together as I’m sure you’ve gathered if you’ve read my blogs. He will always have a place in my heart and I’ll always pray for his health, happiness & safety & his family. 

Still I rise, 

Kirsten 

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